Tiffany's Perspective on the Last Days of Mom's Journey

From Tiffany's Perspective

August 14, 2018
Today was the day that mom was cremated. Mom didn't have any specific wishes for when she passed away. She just wanted something small.  So for her cremation,  we wore something bright and colorful so we could send off mom in style, to celebrate and cheer her on her journey. My sister, my dad, and I all picked something that also has something memorable that related to mom.

Admittedly after seeing how different mom had looked just a few hours after she passed away on Friday, I was concerned about how she'd appear after waiting in the mortuary for three days. I had a fair amount of experience with cadavers so I had some confidence that I would be okay, but I knew that was not what I wanted my sister to see if mom had advanced further since Friday (or even if she looked the same as she did on Friday night). Mom would not want us to see her in that state.

To my surprise, she looked wonderful. She was so peaceful, as though she was sleeping. The mortuary did a beautiful job making her look as though she were healthy again, before she was diagnosed and we had a few last words with her. We were only allowed to see her head, just enough to ID her before her cremation. We read some Bible verses to her, and I was really touched by how tenderly she was loved.

My sister and I pushed The Button simultaneously to send mom off to be cremated. It was a really bittersweet experience. Mom's body would no longer be here. We would never see her physically again, never hold her hands that would squeeze ours for comfort, never to see the face that kissed us goodnight. But she is no longer in pain. She is in a better place filled with bliss and peace. I am happy I got to see mom one last time, looking so serene for her departure.

August 15, 2018
We picked up her ashes this afternoon, and if anyone wanted some quiet words with her without all the commotion on Friday and Saturday, you are welcome to come by! Please just let us know so we can sign you in.

On Friday, we will be having a burial at sea at Dana Point aboard a historic sailing schooner with family. Then on Saturday, in lieu of a funeral, we will be having a joyous BBQ party at Baby Beach in Dana Point, which I believe my sister has posted information to already. It is open to anyone who wants to come celebrate mom's life with us. We have extremely fond memories of childhood BBQ parties at Dana Point that mom organized and hope that we can have one last party together with her. Let's send her off with a smile! Thank you to everyone for being there for us.

In case anyone missed the information, here it is again. Please let us know if you are attending by Friday late afternoon so we can get a head count and make sure we have enough food and supplies. :)

Location: Baby Beach, 34551 Puerto Pl, Dana Point

Time: 11:00am - 1:00pm

Dress code: Something fun, bright, and cheerful!

If anyone wanted to help out as well (no pressure!), we also have a sign up sheet:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VBY11OT06cTu8VgnwgS5jEiAqwYz2RfEcpsLSKiYxI8/edit

August 10, 2018
Also here is my point of view regarding mom's passing.

The day before, mom was having some very slight, subtle gurgling noises as she was breathing. I did not realize it at that time, but that was the death rattle, which usually indicates that someone will pass away within 24 hours. When I think about it, it sounded so different than from what we were told and read that it would sound like. It was very quiet and if you weren't listening carefully, you would miss it. It just sounded like very, very, very mild congestion.

I told my sister that evening that I would tell her tomorrow morning if mom got better, since we were still trying to figure out if she needed to fly down yet. Mom was still eating and felt hungry. In fact, just a few hours ago she was really craving bubble gum. And before bed, she had her customary scoop of ice cream and some chopped noodles. All week, she's been asking for all kinds of food, getting a reasonable amount of calories in. She also had not really been sleeping much. Online, usually they say that as loved ones approach death, they will spend copious amounts of time sleeping and eating less and less. Mom was different. We knew she was deteriorating, but by all accounts, it seemed like she had at least a week left given her appetite and sleep schedule. She was getting weaker, but she could still think quite sharply with good memory.

In the morning, the caregiver alerted us that something was very wrong with mom. When we saw her, she seemed about the same as usual to us for the past few days- some difficulty breathing coupled with an anxiety attack, but we took his word for it and called the nurse over. Things got worse and mom began to flail and was in much pain despite having anti-anxiety medication. The nurse said she was in heavy respiratory distress and there were minimal lung sounds as mom was doing abdominal breathing. The nurse asked me if it was okay to give her morphine to help with her pain, and it may sedate her a little. I agreed, not realizing that after mom had the morphine, she would be unconscious and unable to talk. One small regret I have was not taking a moment to tell mom while she was still conscious that everything was going to be okay, that we love her so, so much. But they say that hearing is the last to go, so I hope that at least she was able to hear us those final hours.

We knew things were bad. Mom's breathing rate was dropping fast. In a panic, I began to text people in a flurry. Mom has less than 24 hours...it is too dangerous to move her to the hospital or a nursing home. Most likely she would pass away in the ambulance on the way there, with no one by her side aside from the paramedics as people were not allowed to sit in the ambulance with her. Thank you to everyone who had been supporting and helping us all this time... I knew I had missed some, and possibly some people were being duplicated (it turns out you can't text include than 10 people at a time), and based on some responses I received, some people could not download my message at all.

To my surprise, many people responded immediately and came over as soon as they could. I have never seen so many cars or shoes in front of our house before. There was just such an outpouring of love and support. It was so overwhelming. She was always surrounded by people. But her breathing continued to slow. It took her so much effort just to take one breath. More and more time passed between each breath and it was hard knowing if it was her last. I knew at this point 24 hours was really a stretch. I just wanted her around just a few more hours to wait for my sister to arrive so she could hear her one last time.

My cousin pulled me aside and told me that I should take a break from all the phone calls and texts to hospice/caregivers management/legal stuff/guests and just hang out with mom. A few moments ago, she and the nurse had just taken her blood pressure and heart rate, and she seemed stable. Everyone left to give me privacy, and I started talking to mom. As I held her hand and told her how strong she was, that sister was on the way, that she was doing great...I realized it was a little too long between her last breath. I tried to check for her pulse. Nothing. I waited for her to take a breath. And waited. And waited. Nothing.

I started to panic. I called my cousin and the nurse over. After a few minutes, they confirmed that mom was gone, at approximately 1:40pm. Mom was no longer with us.

Everyone filed in and had their final messages to mom. There were many promises made. Messages on mom's phone were going off nonstop, which a family friend and I read out loud to her. I think she would have been very happy knowing how many lives she touched and everyone who was offering her a peaceful rest.

We opted to have the mortuary pick up mom at 8:08pm, lucky numbers for mom! Before they came, my cousins helped me clean up mom and get her dressed nicely. I wanted to be there to see mom through till the end. Admittedly I was not expecting so much change to how she looked in such a short time after she passed and did not realize how...difficult it would be to dress someone who had rigor mortis set in. But it also felt good to be able to be there to take care of mom one last time and make sure she looked great for this final part of her journey.

The past few days have truly been a very strange experience. On one hand, I feel so empty, like a part of me left when mom passed away. We were very close, and imagining future memories without her in it really hurt to think about. On the other hand, I have never felt such an outpouring of love and support from so many people before.

Aunties and uncles who I have not spoken to for years were offering comforting words. Family friends and friends of friends I hardly saw offered such warm hugs and offered to help. My friends were staying up way past their usual bedtime despite work to play games and chat with me to cheer me up.  People were coming over every day and everyone was making sure we were extremely well fed once word got out that we had poor appetite and weren't eating the healthiest. Close family friends who were with us till the very end were coming over and making good on their promises to mom to watch over us. Most of all, my dad and especially my sister have been nonstop working to make things run smoothly and have been sponges for my waterworks show. They have been such an amazing source of comfort that I really don't know what I would do without them.

While no one will ever be a replacement for mom, I am so blessed and thankful to be surrounded by so much love. Before mom passed, I was really worried that I would fall into a terrible depression, that things I would enjoy doing I would no longer want to do, that I wouldn't want to see anyone. I was scared that I'd be so out of it that my pets would suffer from neglect and I would just hole up in the corner. But with so many people around me, I'm finding myself laughing and cheering each day. While there are random triggers that make me cry, with everyone's help, I'm able to recover and keep on going. Thank you! I look forward to seeing everyone at the BBQ this Saturday, and thank as well to those who will be there with us in spirit to say farewell.

We love you mom and you will always hold a dear place in our heart.